One Step Back, Two Steps Forward

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Have you ever felt like life is going pretty smoothly, and then suddenly, something trips you up, pulling you back into old habits or thought patterns?

This happened to me recently. Things were going well. I was working, earning a living, and maintaining a good routine. I had a solid support network and even took a week off work to enjoy a well-earned rest. Life was good.

But then, everything shifted.

Without my routine to anchor me, I stayed up late because "I could," slept in longer than usual, and let the days blur together. At first, it felt like freedom. But soon, I found myself spiraling. The familiar weight of emotional pain hit me hard, like the world had yanked the rug from under my feet.

I felt like I’d been transported back to a dark time in my life—a time marked by depression, suicidal thoughts, and a stay in a mental hospital. Those same scarred thoughts resurfaced: I want to die. A wave of mental and physical panic overtook me, and I was desperate for relief.

On impulse, I walked to the local shop in the rain and bought a pack of cigarettes—something I hadn’t done in years. Smoking felt like a step above the darker alternatives my mind was toying with, a small act of rebellion or self-soothing.

I lit up on the way home. Halfway through the cigarette, I still felt terrible. But then something shifted in my mindset. Strangely, the act of smoking brought a moment of clarity. It took the edge off my panic just enough to let me think.

And that’s when I remembered: I don’t have to face this alone.

I called a friend—a lifeline I hadn’t considered in my spiral. We talked through what I was feeling, pinpointing the trigger. He reminded me of something crucial: I’ve been here before, and I’ve come out stronger every time.

He asked me a simple but powerful question:
"What little things can you do right now to take care of yourself?"

That conversation was a turning point. I realized that while I couldn’t control everything, I could take small steps to regain a sense of stability. I looked around at my messy house—something I’d been too unmotivated to deal with—and decided to start there.

Cleaning became an act of self-care. Tidying up my space gave me a sense of accomplishment and created a more peaceful environment. It was a small but meaningful way to tell myself, I’m worth taking care of.

I smoked one more cigarette that day, as if to say goodbye to an old coping mechanism. And then, I let it go again.

Lessons From a Step Back

What’s the takeaway here? This experience taught me two valuable lessons:

  1. A setback doesn’t mean failure.
    At first, I worried that buying cigarettes marked a regression. But it turned out to be a blip in the bigger picture of my healing. Recovery isn’t linear—it’s filled with ups and downs. The key is to recognize the setback for what it is and keep moving forward.

  2. Perspective is everything.
    Sometimes, taking a step back helps you gain clarity. For me, revisiting an old habit reminded me why I moved away from it in the first place. That contrast strengthened my resolve to keep growing and healing.

Another example of this is my meditation practice. I used to meditate twice a day religiously, but over time, it became stale, and I couldn’t focus. I decided to take a break, stepping back to reset my approach. A month later, I returned to meditation with a fresh mindset, and now I’m reaping the benefits again.

Embracing the Long Haul

Recovery is a journey, not a destination. It’s about making intentional choices, even when it’s hard. For me, those choices are grounded in my faith and the belief that healing is possible.

Sometimes, the process involves taking a step back. And that’s okay. What matters is having the courage to step forward again—and to keep stepping forward, no matter how many times you stumble.




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