Rage & Anger Management

TRIGGER WARNING: THIS BLOG TALKS ABOUT TRAUMA. SOME READERS MAY FIND THIS DIFFICULT AND COULD BE POTENTIALLY TRIGGERED

SPOILER ALERT: This blog talks about some details of the movie Guardians of the Galaxy: Vol 3

I’ve written this post to express my own experiences of mental health difficulties. My hope is that other people will find these experiences helpful and relatable to themselves. I would like to encourage everyone that recovery is possible. There is always something you can do to improve your well-being and draw strength and inspiration from what God has provided for you.

I recently went to see the latest ‘Marvel’ (Comicbook) movie ‘Guardians of the Galaxy: Volume 3’. I won’t spoil it for you, but Rocket, one of the main characters experiences a traumatic event to and his immediate response was to scream out in emotional agony which then turns to rage. He gets really angry with the person who exacted the violence.

This really spoke to me and made me emotional because I have experienced my own traumatic event. I don’t want to share what this was exactly, as doing so would be unwise. Needless to say, it was absolutely soul-destroying and wrecked my life at the time. And I’ve been dealing with the consequences ever since. This is on par with what happened to the Guardian character, Rocket.

I felt just like Rocket and in my traumatic moment, my human response was: Rage. I don’t think there are words to convey the intensity of this feeling. What I experienced made me so angry, I screamed like a Banshee.

Terrified, this scream sounded alien to me. I had never heard myself or anyone else scream with such pain on every level. The sweaty, heated air in my lungs ripping through my throat and vocal cords in blood-curdling agony. Adrenaline pumping through my bloodstream and the oldest part of my brain: the primal brain, kicking me into fight, flight, or freeze.

In the movie, Rocket uses this internal turmoil as fuel to his advantage and attacks the captor and escape. This little raccoon takes on a full-size man, fuelled by hate, revenge, and focused rage. Pain can be used as fuel by channelling its energy and focusing on what you want to achieve to overcome in life.

Fast forward 11 years from my trauma, having made massive leaps and bounds forward in my mental health adventure. As a result of my trauma (being sectioned and extremely mentally ill) I still had that rage inside of me. I was unable and hadn’t learned I could control it.

The anger felt like something that just happened to me. The anger reaped havoc freely into my marriage and destroyed it. My anger dominated my consciousness. It was not measured, it was extreme. I mean I would get angry at things that anyone would understandably be angry at. But the difference was, the lid was off my anger. It was extreme due to the traumatic rage still inside of me.

While any ‘normal’ person would be a bit miffed at a printer not working, I would flip. I would scream and shout and swear. And I wouldn’t know why I did this until I explored it through intensive and prolonged therapy.

It was in therapy that I was given a picture to explain my heightened anger. It was like getting in the bathtub and running some warm water into it. I am in the bathtub and my body has adjusted to the temperature of the water. Now I just put hot water in. I don’t realise, but I’m now lobster red by the heat of the bath. If I was to step into this hot bath from normal temperature, I wouldn’t be able to tolerate it. But since as I was in the bath and the temperature got hotter and hotter, I was able to tolerate it for longer. My experience of anger was like a bath that is too hot for most people. But since I was raised with this being the standard, it’s too hot for what would be an appropriate amount of anger.

Fast forward to another 11 years and the untampered rage (shall we call it?) is still there. I have better control over it now. I am a lot better after many years of work on it. I don’t get angry often, if at all… but when I do, I have found a good way of coping with it… humour.

You see, I can get triggered sometimes by something so insignificant, it’s laughable. The example I’m going to use is a recent one. You see, when I went to the cinema to see GOTG3, I had organized to go with some friends. I booked the tickets in advance for the 6 of us, so we could sit together.

In the process of organizing the event, I suggested we could get a bite to eat before the movie. I was going to book a local Indian restaurant, but in the end, there wasn’t enough time for such extravagance. I made an executive decision that, due to the lack of time, we would meet at Mcdonald’s for a cheeky burger and fries.

I was at church, about to set off for Mackey D’s (as we affectionately call it), when my church friend said “Can we go to Five Guys? I’d rather that than McDonalds.” Now, if he would have said this at any point other than right before the time we were due to meet there, I may have agreed to it. But, I was now running late, and I couldn’t get my head around the idea and adjust the plan. But due to this request being last minute, I became a bit tunnel-visioned on the ‘fixed’ plan.

I didn’t want to mess everyone about and change the venue last minute. So I get to McD’s and see one friend there. 10 minutes go by and I wonder where everyone else is. I checked my messages and he had sent one saying ‘We’ve gone to Five Guys’. I was $*^!%!' livid!

My mind had misinterpreted his innocent decision as ‘I don’t care about your wishes. I don’t respect you. I’m going to go behind your back and do what I want and take others with me.’

This felt like a slap in the face. It wasn’t, but it felt like it. I felt this way due to the way I was brought up. I had a chaotic home environment and never knew what was going to happen next. This caused me great anxiety (which I still suffer from sometimes) and has meant that I value plan, purpose and routine.

As a grown man, I like to have a plan and for it to go well and as planned. I don’t like last minute, spur-of-the-moment decisions. I can do this sometimes if I’m prepared to be spontaneous!

I dealt with my unmeasured rage (it wasn’t relative to the annoyance caused, but relative to the previous rage induced by trauma) by taking a step back from it. I looked at myself from (like) a birds-eye view and saw the ridiculousness of my feelings of anger, compared to the insignificance of what I was angry about. I wanted to punch my friend.

If I had lost the plot and couldn’t control myself, I felt like I could go on a rampage and kill everyone around me with my bare hands. I messaged my close friend and support and filled him in on the situation. “^&%#*$"* FIVE GUYS!!!” he bantered with me, sending a meme of someone screaming.

I contained my rage. I laughed inside and our banter continued via message. We have known each other very well for a very long time and have our own language and routines which we find funny. One is my extreme anger at trivial things like this.

By laughing at the ridiculousness of it, it helped me separate from the anger. It helped me take a step back from it. I didn’t get dragged along with it. This took years of therapy to achieve.

I did a year’s worth of group anger management therapy. This helped me when I learned that I wasn’t the only one who struggled to manage these feelings of anger. Others in the group would tell their story and I could relate.

I learned that most of the time, anger is a choice. I chose to feel angry. I remember once borrowing a DVD from a friend. I enjoyed watching this movie until it kept skipping and didn’t work halfway through.

My reaction (I now understand as a choice) was to send an abusive text message, expressing my anger with him for lending me a faulty DVD. Again. The level of anger wasn’t measured to the (little) problem. It’s all about finding perspective.

We had a book to follow for anger management. It had a story about waiting for a bus to work in the morning. It doesn’t turn up. An automatic response would be to get angry about it. But a better way of looking at it would be to change your perspective. It’s a sunny day and I could enjoy the walk to work instead. Using a problem as an opportunity for growth.

When I was a child and a family member was angry, I would interpret his anger as his strength. Being hot-tempered was seen as a normal reaction to the slightest thing.

Now I understand losing your temper is a weakness of character. I am much more of a better man for exercising patience, grace, and forgiveness (Given to me through God’s grace and forgiveness). Staying calm, even when things are infuriating is a massively useful skill and says a lot about one’s character.

To sum this up, there is always hope for those who look for it. There is always untapped strength too, which lies inside each one of us. I wrote this to explain my experience and to maybe help those who read it to have a better understanding of those who struggle in these areas.

Where there is a will, there is a way. Those who seek help, find it. It’s out there. But you must believe you can get better and you have to choose to fight for your mental health. Take little steps and celebrate each little win. Each day is a new day and life is what you make it.

I would like to encourage you to seek help and support when you need it. Feel free to leave a comment about your own mental health adventure.

Thank you for your time reading this.

If you would like to get in touch, contact me directly via email: mentalhealthadventuresuk@gmail.com